Attention Lake Worth: “How To Report A Crime”, a nine (9) step-by-step guide from America’s Finest News Source*

“Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities.” Very important steps 1–3, 5, 6, and 8 are below; for all the steps and more information see the footnote/attribution below:

STEP 1
After the crime occurs, take a moment to gather yourself and consider whether any of this is worth interacting with a police officer
STEP 2
Google how to place a phone call
STEP 3
When the dispatcher answers, calmly and clearly scream the details of the incident [emphasis added]

[and. . .] 

STEP 5
Carefully review your neighborhood’s snitching policy before speaking with any cops
STEP 6
Describe the perpetrator to police in as much detail as possible, but be sensitive when it comes to the issue of weight 

[and. . .] 

STEP 8
Write a Facebook post about the entire ordeal, making sure to repeatedly emphasize that you’re fine, but that it really made you stop and think about how lucky you are, and that you’re just so thankful for all your friends

Or. . . forget about the step-by-step instructions and just “Make the Call Y’all”:

Use this link to learn more about Lake Worth District 14 PBSO.

*Learn more about America’s Finest News Source. For the entire step-by-step guide listed above, which is actually satire (for those of you who didn’t catch on), use this link.