From AFNS: Nation’s Dogs Vow To Keep Their S■■■ Together During 4th Of July Fireworks

Press Release from America’s Finest News Source (AFNS): 

WASHINGTON—Admitting that their behavior in previous years had left them embarrassed and ashamed, the nation’s dogs announced Thursday that they intend on keeping their s■■■ together during this year’s Fourth of July fireworks displays. “Though we recognize we have not always demonstrated the most poise and self-control on this particular holiday, we want to assure everyone that this will finally be the year we don’t completely lose it and freak out upon hearing the booming of distant fireworks,” said Duchess, a 6-year-old cocker spaniel, adding that the country’s 80 million dogs aim to avoid cowering under the coffee table or uncontrollably urinating on the kitchen floor in a moment of pure panic after neighbors light off firecrackers or bottle rockets.