Selected George Carlin (1937-2008) Quotes

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. 

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. 

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. 

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?